Five-Minute Favourites

//Five-Minute Favourites

Thank you to all the people who sent in their five-minute exercises. The task was to use the following words: drench, rollerskates, astronaut, bloody and handbag.

Here are our three favourites.


Winning Entry – First Time Ever 5-Minute Story

Seeing Suzi there, I felt the impulse to drench her, aiming the hose pipe so it arched over the hot road until even her pants were soaked with the icy water. Fucking stupid roller skates. Ridiculous baby pram, holding her upright as she swished past at 8.45 in the morning. Sure she glides like an astronaut in that beautiful no gravity stride, perfectly formed with the tight, well-practised limbs, long blond hair and that beautiful baby that should have been mine. Twisted and gnarled, my mind is dripping envy like a bloody surgeon’s knife. I turn the hose down and water drips, shining in the morning sun. I wrap it around the wall unit and step into the shady bungalow, the smell of wet earth on hot soil: Grandpa’s roses are done for the day. I grab my handbag, rummage noisily for the keys and rush to the wheelchair. My lips touch his hot moist forehead. “Later,” I say and cheerily step out and head for work.

Mel Trewin


Splendid Second – Little Beggar

Cheeky little sod. Comes past my door every day. Knocks then runs away. Then there’s the fireworks thrown into my porch. I’ll get the little beggar. I’ll get a bucketful of water, go upstairs and drench him when he next goes by.
Well, that was the idea… Then he comes whizzing past on rollerskates! I had no chance. Threw the bucket and missed. Right, I thought, the hose. Yeah, get him in the face with the hose. Well, he’s one step ahead of me. He comes round the corner on his skates wearing an astronaut suit! What the bloody hell!? He goes screaming past with a huge grin of his face. I’m defeated, or am I? Just as he rounds the corner, old Mrs Miggins clouts him with her handbag. Hah! Made my weekend.

Rob Willcocks


Honourable Third – Headline News

Who would have believed the headlines: ‘Astronaut Steals Handbag From Elderly Citizen’? Racing past Margaret from the opposite direction was a kid in a space suit on rollerskates; scooping up her purse. The elderly woman screamed expletives after him, and he turned to look back. He never saw the pole immediately in front of him. This is where things got rather bloody; the word drench comes to mind, and our story comes to an abrupt end.

Don Ford


Disqualified Fourth – A Lad Insane

(Competition not open to members of staff, Mr Swan…)

From the first moment I saw David Bowie on Top of the Pops I became obsessed. I missed the early, Major Tom astronaut years of Space Oddity but I was hooked with Ziggy’s lightning flash. I would take to posing in front of the mirror dressed in Mum’s clothes and swinging her new, patent leather handbag, whilst Diamond Dogs scratched and skipped on the turntable. On one occasion, “Turn that bloody racket down!” came a shout from the foot of the stairs. I appeared on the landing, threw a camp pose and crooned, “I’m putting out fire with gasoline”. My Mum looked up at me and muttered, “I’ll drench those tights in gasoline in a minute if you don’t get them off… and try not to ladder them.” I shimmied back into my room wondering how I was  going to break the news about swapping my new rollerskates for a sequinned tank-top and an industrial sized tube of glittery lip-gloss?

Aladdin Sane

Keep on eye on our Facebook page and we will run another exercise tomorrow – 9/10/15

Rob Swan

Rob Swan

Managing Director at The Write Factor
I recently started bell ringing in the hope that it would help to straighten out my bad back only to be reminded by a friend that, "It didn't do Quasimodo any good."
Rob Swan

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